All is not lost

Last February, I made a major change in my life. 
I broke up with my long time boyfriend, Adam, and moved out of our newly purchased homestead.  It was an incredibly difficult decision.  I am averse to change under the best of circumstances, and this wasn't a cut and dry one.  I was and still am madly in love with Adam.  He is an amazing person.  I couldn't have created a person so inherently perfect for me.  We complete each other.  An unresolvable situational issue was the only thing that made me choose to walk away and pave my own path.  My heart and mind have been battling about it ever since.

I have been immersing myself in work, trying to rekindle the social life I've never had, and keeping myself busy in order to not think too much.  It has been exhausting. In the past 5 months I have dated, had meaningless sex, and found myself in a relatively stable (but timestamped) relationship with someone almost twice my age.  It has been a wild ride trying to find where I'm suppose to be and with whom.  

What has become abundantly clear to me is that no one is going to be Adam but Adam.  I cannot expect others to be what he was/is to me. That position has already been filled.  What I need to do now is find happiness in the journey of self-discovery.  I cannot continue to dwell so much on the choices I've already made but instead focus on the ones I need to make.  I want to improve my outlook, my disposition, and my life.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a stable job with a great team of coworkers.  I have so many people in my life who love me.  Thank you, Mom, Evan, Dan, Adam, Brad, Ryan, Vikki, Lauren, Crystal, etc. for your support and love. I can't express how important y'all are to me!  I have a great place to rent for a great price (thanks to one of my awesome coworkers).  I am smart and autonomous and financially responsible enough to eventually pay off my student loans and go back to school.  I know that one day I will need to make a better living in order to achieve my goals and I am going to make that happen within the next two years come hell or high water.  I am nothing if not determined and tenacious.

So many things make me happy:

• sunshine against my skin
• the smell after it rains 
• climbing into clean sheets
• delicious food I don't have to cook myself
• chocolate
• yoga and exercise in general (afterwards, not during, of course)
• being immersed in nature
• minimizing waste
• being efficient
• being the little spoon
• shoulder/neck kisses
• organizing things
• driving with the windows down and the music blaring
• being on or near the water
• getting emails from Evan
• being at the lake
• big trees with perfect climbing limbs
• being good at my job
• a hot cup of tea after a long day
• snuggling with my perfect Bella kitty

When I feel lost, I just need to look back at this list and remember I am not alone and there is so much to be happy about! It is easy to be happy when everything is good, it shows personal strength to be able to find happiness when your life isn't where you expected or wanted it to be.

CHOOSE happiness!  I am, and I'm not looking back!