8/24-8/27

As I close in on the end of my first week of this challenge, I have to acknowledge that I am not going to accomplish what I was hoping for with this project and that's okay.  

I cannot seem to allot enough mental energy to write every day.  Some days, the creative juices just aren't flowing.  Other days I run out of time and sleep wins.  Whatever the excuse is, I can't continue to beat myself up over misjudging the difficulty of this challenge.  This 30 day challenge is the most labor intensive one I've ever attempted and I wish I could give it the time and energy it deserves.  Maybe I will try again after my final semester of prerequisites is complete.

I am going to continue to write as often as I possibly can. I will continue this challenge by posting as often as I can, without trying to force myself to write when I have nothing of value floating around in my head.  I am going to do the best I can by this challenge even if it doesn't go the way I originally envisioned it.  That's life right?  Sometimes you bite off more than you can chew and all you can do is keep trucking along.

8/24
What I wrote was definitely not blog appropriate.  Sorry!

8/25
First day of school blues with too much socializing mixed in.  Didn't write a thing.

8/26
I am feeling uninspired.  It is hard to rally after a 12 hour shift and write something meaningful.  The stress of life feels like a fog over my creative energy.

8/27
I wrote twice today, as if to make up for failing to manage my time well enough to get it out before bedtime last night.

AM:
Sometimes I wonder if I am hyper-aware or overly observant.  I can definitely be oblivious when I'm off in my own little world but when I'm present I miss very little.  Whether right or wrong, it tends to be those little details I notice that help me form snap judgments about the quality of a human being. When I'm dating someone new, I pay attention.  Do they notice my precise way of doing things and make the attempt to accommodate my OCD? Do they make my bed (however poorly) and clean up after themselves?  Do they make a point to remember the things I say and do the things that make me happy?  Can I count on them to be present and reliable?  Sometimes it's hard to quantify the good and the bad in a way the makes it simple to decide whether a person is worthy or not.  I'm finding that for all my analytical ways of viewing relationships the single overriding factor is my actual feelings for the person.  Go figure.  Now if only I deemed feelings as a reliable entity worth making major decisions over.

PM:
I have always fashioned myself as independent and self assured.  But tonight, as the light of day grows dim, I realize I am needy.  Doubt creeps in with the darkness.

I need more time.
I need more love.
I need more money.
I need to know what the future brings.
I need to let go of my past.
I need to be more present.
I need to learn to balance fun with responsibility.
I need to be less demanding.
I need to be more patient.
I need to be more appreciative.
I need to stop beating myself up so much.
I need to spend more time in the sun.
I need to get more sleep.
I need to stop being such a smart ass.
I need to stop taking life so seriously.
I need to stop fixating on my to do list.
I need to stop feeling guilty for relaxing instead of being productive.
I need to get back into managing my time better.
I need to take better care of myself.
I need to stop looking to other people for happiness.
I need to drop my phone in the river.
But what I really need to do is stop making fucking lists about what I need!